Deluded Dreams in "Death of a Salesman"

I think that a lot of people tend to identify the "American Dreamers" in Death of a Salesman as the male characters. At least I did. But I as I was thinking about what I would write my blog on while I was working earlier, it occurred to me that Linda also wanted a version of the American Dream. She worked so hard to make her family the ideal family, with no problems and no worries. By completely ignoring Willy's failing job and decreasing salary, she glossed over the ugly things in her life and pretended everything was perfect. She refuses to acknowledge any problems, and instead throws everything she has into being a "good" and supportive housewife. In doing this, however, she actually makes problems worse by allowing Willy to walk all over her and by becoming overly apathetic. She is so supportive of Willy's career that she doesn't realize his failure. She trusts him unconditionally, failing to realize he had an affair. And when she discovers that Willy is trying to kill himself, she is so concerned about upsetting him that she instead goes out of her way to let him keep trying, replacing the gas pipe he uses when he leaves and removing it again when he comes home. Linda's idea of the American Dream for a woman in her position is to have a perfect family with a successful husband and successful sons, and though she throws everything she has into it, she ends up making matters worse because she is so deceived by Willy. Like Willy, Biff and Happy, Linda's fervent pursuit of the American Dream is too contrived to the point that it ends up caving in on itself. And she doesn't learn, even at the end. She is so deluded that she is shocked when no one shows up at Willy's funeral.

Overall, Arthur Miller paints a disillusioned picture of the American Dream. It is, in this story, a worn out ideal that many strive to attain and very few achieve. What Linda adds to this is the idea that fully subscribing to something with no reservations is dangerous and foolish, and it ends up leaving you with an unfulfilled dream. A bit of skepticism helps, as it allows you to point out the flaws in any philosophy so that you can better apply it, or reject it if it is flawed beyond repair. If Linda had questioned Willy's career path, perhaps she could have encouraged him to pursue something he was actually good at. But by apathetically going along with what ever Willy sought for himself, she allowed him and even encouraged him to fail.

Now, my American Dream...where to start? When people ask me about college, I list off the four colleges that I have applied to and proudly state that I want to major in viola performance (or string pedagogy if I get into Hillsdale). That's what I'm supposed to do. My parents haven't put all this money into music for it to simply be a hobby; my lessons are expensive and time-consuming - I drive over 60 miles round trip for a 45 minute viola lesson every Wednesday. At the very least, my parents and I expect to get some scholarship money out of it, and rightly so. But is that enough to justify making a career and a lifestyle out of something? I've decided it isn't. I crumble when orchestra politics and competition come into full swing. That's why I quit Seattle Youth Symphony this year, because all the joy I found in playing in an orchestra was wiped away by those conservatory-bound, insecure yet overly confident players I once called friends when we met in fourth grade. All the bonds we had formed while playing an overly simplified version of the Barber of Seville were wiped away when we started competing for spots to play The Planets in Benaroya Hall. True "performers," or at least the ones I know, are arrogant and will do anything to get themselves to the top, even if it means destroying a "friend." That isn't who I want to be. I feel like that's just another example of that deluded American Dream. Kids look at performers and dream about becoming them, often putting everything they have into being one. I did. But they have no idea what it takes to get there. So where does this leave me? Thank God, somewhere great. Out of nowhere, an email showed up in my inbox last January from a woman who owns a small music studio 5 minutes away from my house. She needed a violin teacher who could start in the next week, and my teacher at the time had recommended me very highly for the job. In the past year, I've developed my teaching skills and found that I really love sharing music and teaching kids how to enjoy it. And I feel like that is something I could do for the rest of my life. When I took the job, I was thankful that it gave me the chance to save money for Peru and then for college. But now I'm thankful for a whole different reason. Yeah, the money is great - I rarely have to ask my parents for money, I can fill my car with gas, and I'll be able to buy some coffee for at least my first week of college. But I'd do the job for free. I love teaching, and every time a student develops a new skill, I feel more than compensated for all the weeks and months it took to teach him that technique. Sure, I'm not cut out for the life of a first-class performer, not for lack of hard-work or talent but because that isn't how God made me. I'm not worshipping Him when I'm sitting in the bathroom crying after an audition or trying to play mind games on others to protect myself from theirs. But I know I am when I'm teaching, because only God could have given me the ability to do that. It's easy to credit myself when I play a technically difficult piece, but when something comes to me out of the blue that goes perfectly with a worship song, or when I finally get the right words to explain something to my students, that can be no one else but God. So, my dream? My dream is to play music in the way God intended me to. For His glory, by sharing the joy with my students and not worrying about those conservatory-trained players in world-famous orchestras. I am who God made me, and I want to celebrate that and teach my students how to do the same.

Photo Walk

To be perfectly honest, I've been pretty anxious about writing this blog. I'm not necessarily dishonest with others about who I am, but I don't share with very many people about what I really think about. So I waited until today to do this, and I'm actually glad I did, because I just got back from my church's winter camp yesterday afternoon. I spent a lot of time thinking, praying, and being authentic with my leaders and with the girls in my core group, and now I'm ready to be authentic here. Just one quick disclaimer: Ryan Brubaker and I were both at this camp, and we both did our walks there. So if our photos look similar, that's why. 

I'll focus mostly on the thinking I did at camp, rather than on the walk itself because, let's be honest - sending me out into a beautiful place with a camera in hand is like sticking a little kid in a toy shop and asking him to contemplate the deeper things in life. He can't because he'll be too distracted by all the amazing things around him. When I have my camera, I run around looking for pictures to take, trying different angles, and messing with the settings on my camera to get cool colors and effects. I really tried to do some thinking, but most of it was pretty contrived and not worth writing about. But everything I thought about during camp is. This last year has probably been my most notable year in terms of developing who I am, and I don't think I realized that until I took a good look at everything that has happened in the last year. A verse I found the other day that really highlights what I'm talking about is Isaiah 42:6, which begins, "I am the Lord, I have called you in righteousness, I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you..." 

Since middle school I've been dealing with some stuff, and this last year was all about trying to overcome it. In fact, it was the first time I genuinely tried to do anything. Last year I went to the same camp, and at that time I was really struggling, but too scared to do anything. My core group leader told me that when I was ready, I could always talk to her about it. So I worked up the courage to do so and we went out for coffee the day after we got back, something we've done again several times. Since then, what I'm struggling with hasn't changed. My outlook on it has, however, especially over the last week. I have hope that even if I can't beat it, God can, and He will be with me through it. I've learned to let Christ's love control me and to rely on Him for my strength when I feel too weak to do anything on my own. This struggle isn't going to go away overnight, but in the last year I've seen that I can handle that and that Christ is strong enough to get me through. He has given me people to talk to, the strength to do so, and the will to do everything I can to help myself. And He has held my hand the whole way. 

Another pretty big thing from the last year was my 6 weeks and 4 days in Peru. That was a life changing experience, and I became a person I couldn't have ever envisioned myself becoming - outgoing, confident, brave, and calm. I learned to rely on God and to not control every aspect of my life. Since I've been back, not only am I more confident in myself and in God, but I truly enjoy life no matter how I feel. I don't stress about things as much as I used to, and I'm willing to take life one day at a time rather than trying to control every aspect of my future. This trip was probably the best thing that's happened to me, but it was also the hardest thing I've ever done. When I applied, I didn't even think I'd be chosen to go. While I was there, I doubted my qualification to participate in the program. Now that I'm back, I miss Peru so much that I still wake up crying sometimes because of the vivid dreams that remind me of the place and people I love so much. The only thing I know to do is turn to God. I'm so glad I have, because now I can look back and see all He did for me regarding Peru. He held my hand through the whole process -  applying, preparing, being there, and returning to the United States. He gave me a chance to get away from my life here for a little while, something I appreciate more than most people will ever understand. He let me meet amazing people who will be my life-long friends. He let me be part of and learn to love a new culture. And He was with me in it all. I never realized or appreciated any of this until this week. At camp as I was reflecting on the year, I started to see how big of a role God played in orchestrating all that. 

The last big thing I thought about was my attitude. In light of all God has done for me, I ought to be overflowing with gratitude. But I continually find myself being selfish. Selfish when it comes to my family, my time, my money, my thoughts. Most of my motivations focus on how something will benefit me rather than others. I think about how I can help myself, not how I can glorify God. I've been arguing with my parents a lot recently, and while I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel more ready to be independent than they do to let me be independent, much can be traced to my own selfishness. I tend to only care about how something affects me rather than everyone else. I'm realizing that this is a horrible way to interact with people, and that this in no way reflects the relationship I claim to have with God. How am I supposed to be His worker when I don't take my eyes off myself? 

All this in mind, I want to approach 2012 with a selfless attitude. I have a big year ahead of me, what with college and all, and the best way to jump into it is with Christ in mind rather than myself. I believe that He has given me everything I need and that He has called me to do His work, like Isaiah 42:6 says. The first picture posted is of a cross I found, and scratched on are the words "You can have my all." That really struck me, since Christ gave His all for us on the cross. So when I saw that, that became my prayer for 2012. Here's to living for God and all He has in store for me in the coming year.